Hey, do you want to hang out and grab dinner sometime?

Maybe stare at our phones the whole time? 

Here, we’ll stack our phones in a pile on the side of the table in a desperate attempt to make it look like we’re above the incessant need to use our phones. We’ll say we’re going to leave them there for the whole dinner. But we know we’ll just wait for the right opportunity to “just check” to see if an earth-shattering email has come in while the phone was off to the side for 13 minutes.

I love this restaurant. I love the atmosphere here, I like  looking at my phone here way more than I do at other places.

Hang on, I’m kind of listening to what you’re saying, but a new picture of a puppy came across my newsfeed and I have to look at it right this minute or I’ll miss out.

Wait wait wait one more second, here’s a picture of a model who’s not really a model showing off her ass in a slightly different way than the other model that’s not a model did in the post I saw twenty minutes ago.

Ok, where were we? Oh yeah, look at this awesome YouTube video I found! Let’s watch the first ten seconds of it before it freezes up to buffer and I spend three more minutes trying to get it to work so you can see the other ten seconds of it.

Is there free Wi-Fi here?

Hang on, I’m just checking my Match.com app really quick.

Oh great, the foods here. No, you go right ahead and start. I have to take a picture of this food. I love taking pictures of the food here and sharing it because the food here looks so good. Much better than pictures of food from any other restaurant.

Wait another email. Is it something crazy? I bet it is. Oh, nope, just another email from Best Buy showing me deals I’m missing out on for stuff I don’t really need.

Well hey, this was really fun. I enjoyed the six minutes of conversation we had during dinner. Yeah, we should do this again. I’m sure where ever this relationship goes, it’ll be a really strong and healthy one since we get to know each other so well by looking at each other’s Facebook profiles.

Ok, now I’ll use my Google Maps app to get home so I can watch a Netflix/Hulu/HBO cocktail of loneliness until the sun comes up.

Geez, I don’t know why you can’t seem to have a deep, meaningful connection with anyone.